AP Essay Review: 2003 Civil War

Review Target Focus: Recognizing the Audience

To score above 7, a writer must fully demonstrate an awareness of the writer's intentions. Of course, all writers have a purpose. But, for this prompt, it is not enough to simply address HOW and WHY Alfred Green persuades black men to enlist in the Union Army.

Alfred Green clearly recognized that his audience would be reluctant to do so. With this awareness, he makes choices to address the reasons behind their reluctance and explain WHY they should not affect their decision to enlist.

Note that paragraphs two and three (which both begin with "It is true...") both acknowledge past failures, broken promises, and embarrassments that blacks have endured. For example, he notes that blacks fought in both the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812, but that their service brough them no freedoms. Green is aware that his audience doubts that their participation in this war would bring any change. Knowing this, he makes later attempts to explain WHY this should not affect their decision-making.  

A writer who does not address the reluctance of Green's audience does not fully understand the writer's intentions and choices. For a 7 or higher, this matter MUST be addressed. (Also note that the matter is made rather clear. Green begins paragraph four by saying, "Our duty, brethren, is not to cavil over past grievances.")

As you read all rhetorical analysis prompts, pay attention to any and all clues that reveal the writer/speaker's audience. As part of the rhetorical triagle, the audience determines what choices the author makes and why.

The Kiss of Death

Any paper that shows a misunderstanding or comprehension error automatically scores no higher than a 4. The moment a writer includes an obvious error of understanding, he or she loses credibility and the paper becomes ineffective.

A common error with this prompt involves "the immortal Washington." Some students note that Green refers to blacks fighting alongside Washington for inspirational purposes: to follow in the tradition of their forefathers. However, Green clearly refers to Washington in the context of previous broken promises: Blacks fought with Washington but gained no freedom as a result. In fact, Green's audience is likely well aware that Washington himself kept slaves after the war ended.

To demonstrate a clear misunderstanding of an author's choice, such as in this example, dooms a paper to a score no higher than 4.

STUDENT SAMPLE PARAGRAPHS WITH TEACHER COMMENTARY:

In order to convince the African American people to join the union forces, Green carefully states, "Remember, too that your very presence among the troops of the north would inspire your oppressed brethren of the south with zeal for the overthrow of the tyrant system..." These words, selected by Alfred make the audience feel worthy towards the task. By hypothetically assigning the futuristic situation and describing success, Green praises the African Americans. This shows both the importance given to the audience in need for their assistance and praising them to define hope towards achievement in victory.

COMMENT: Note the vague commentary, which doesn't acknowledge Green's primary intent. Green presents a cause-effect relationship: If his audience serves, they will inspire others to rise. The result? Victory. Of course, they does not happen with the cause: The audience choosing to serve. Green is giving his audience the chance to be heroes. Who wouldn't want to be such a person? Note also the "tyrant system." Here, the writer should also include Green's depiction of the "howling" leaders of the south. These tyrant beasts should not be allowed to expand. Address related ideas at the same time.  

Additionally both Washington who led the Revolution, and Jackson the champion of popular democracy promoted liberty and equality in their repective times By using these names, Green associates service in the military.....

COMMENT: Behold the Kiss of Death! Washington and Jackson's concept of "liberty and equality" did not include blacks. Green's audience knows this. Green does not include them as inspirational tools, he includes them as an acknowledgement that past military service by African-Americans brought no positive change.

By talking such a brave stand Green is empowering his brethren, letting them know there is a time for equality and it's here: "My country right or wrong, I still love thee!" Green speaking about the patriotic African American and how even though they're being treated so wrongly that still they show patriotism and have loyalty.

COMMENT: The last sentence shows a proper awareness of Green's purpose; however, note that there is no development of the idea. HOW and WHY does Green argue that blacks should serve even though their own country has mistreated them for so long?

By saying "your very presence among the troops of the noon would inspire your oppressed brethen of the south with zeal for the ones throw of the tyrant system". Green compared south to a tyranny in which the people must overthrow. This clause let the audience to feel the negative and arbitrary attitude of the south that African American back then must take some sum of action to stop these tyrannic deeds of enslavery people. By mention the word "tyranny," it reminds american citizens of britan, whom they deeply hated. Green idolized the army to the "army of the living god" Mordes to honor those who join the army. By doing this, it makes the soldier to feel pride in themselves, when in turn, encourage them to continue fighting or join the army if not yet to do so, because it is glourious to become the army of the living dead.

COMMENT: First, most errors are typos. Second, look at the green part. Here, the commentary short be improved. WHY would the audience want to overthrow the Southern government? WHY would this appeal to his audience? Also, the writer should address the Green is casting his audience in the role of hero. It is they (the audience) who will bring and inspire victory. But why would they want victory? Explain!

Note that the red part seems questionable. Does a black man in 1861 think of Britain when the word tyrannical is attached to the South? It probably more so reminds of slavery and racism.

Alfred M. Green begins his argument with the rememberance of the cruel suffering and harsh laws of the African American, addressing the audience,"that our [African Americans] injuries in many respects are great." By remembering the grievances, Green creates a sorrowful tone allowing the audience to feel pain as Green's words forces them to remember their harsh past, a time that the audience wishes to regret. Through this tone, he allows the audience to have a reason and a motive to fight. Green does not simply ask the audience to join an unrelatable cause, for he allows the audience to find a just reason to which they all can come together and fight. Also, while speaking of the audiences cruel past, he uses the word,"our", which allows the audience to connect with the speaker, Green, in an intimate way. The audience is able to form a trust and a bond with Green, for the injuries relate to him as well, therefore the audience is able to see the truth and passion behind Green's words.

COMMENT: This paragraph reads quite well; however, there is a subtle error. Green does acknowledge past grievances, but he does this to acknowledge his audience's state of mind. He then proceeds to argue WHY these past grievances should not impact their decision to do what is right. The commentary given here, then, is not quite right. It would be more appropriate to give the same explanation but attach it to different evidence, such as the "tyrannical" South.

First, Green starts out by portraying south negatively. He writes that they want to drive back the audience guard of civil and religous freedom, gain more "slave territory" and build a stronger " tyrant system of slavery." This negative characterization derives its strength from the positive characterized of the union as " on the side of freedom an universal political equality." Clearly, Green magnifies the negativity of the south by protraying it next to the union. This contrasting characterization helps to show a clear delineation between the two. Green's audience would be better convinced since it is composed of African Americans, many of whom are ex-slaves. They would be able to relate back to the slavery aspect of the south, which they detested- the fact that Green's 3 descriptions of the south all relating back to individual freedom help to amplify this effect. With image of the tyrannical south fixed their minds, these ex-slaves would be more likely to enlist to put down the south. They would be more likely to support the Union, because Green characterized it as fighting for the political right of everyone.

COMMENT: This paragraph works acceptably well. To improve, the writer should note the underlying cause-effect argument; viz., that if they do not enlist to help ensure a Union victory, then the South will grow stronger. It is implied that, as long as the South lives, all blacks will live in fear of a return to slavery.

2003 AP Questions (pdf file)
The Alfred Green Civil War prompt is Question 2.

Sample File (pdf file)
This file contains three sample essays written to the prompt with scoring commentary.

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